top line
The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Town council votes to fight
influx of illegal aliens

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Stray Lake Town Council voted unanimously last week to erect defenses against what Alternating Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer called "a flood of illegal aliens," and said plans include deploying the Stray County Unregulated Volunteer Militia and developing a missile defense shield.

"We'll secure our borders," militia Commandant Droling Mudbinder, Lt. Gen. (Ret.), noted as he declared his booth at the Tipple Time a command post for the duration of the emergency. "My men are working right now on trenches and a network of tunnels under the town."

"Tunnels?" said Lou the bartender. "Why tunnels?"

"Because when you have trenches, you have tunnels," explained the general. "And we won't need any fancy missile defense system, either. We've got a vintage anti-aircraft gun we can point straight up in the air and blast anything overhead."

"Uh, won't those shells tend to fall right back down on the town?" wondered Lou.

"Well of course they will," said the general. "What goes up and all that. But it will be friendly fire instead of what the aliens might be pouring down on us. Besides, we can crawl into the tunnels."

"I feel better about it already," said Lou. "But you know, I haven't seen anyone in here who looks illegal or alien. Same faces as are always sagging onto the bar."

"They're probably too short for you to see over the bar," explained the general. "Those little green people usually are."

"General, I don't think you and Rick Perry are on the same page," noted Lou.

"Why, doesn't he have anti-aircraft?" said the general.

Lou turned to the alternating mayor and asked, "Just where did this talk about illegal aliens get started?"

"Don't look at me," said Leroy. "I didn't even see them until after my sister Wanda told me about them. She had been driving all over town in my reelection van ..."

"The one with the leaky exhaust system?" said Lou.

"There never seems to be enough left from the campaign to get that fixed," allowed Leroy. "Anyway, she was on reelection business and saw several of the aliens peering at her from behind a bush when she passed the town hall."

"They had beady little eyes and no hair at all," said Wanda.

"Are you sure that wasn't the Werner quints?" said Doc Pandemic as he strolled in on a break from his rounds at Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic. "They haven't refilled their medication prescriptions for at least a month, and you know how they like to crawl around under ..."

"Sappers!" said the general. "They're out to destroy our tunnels. Once they do that, they'll hit us with parachutists and we won't be able to hide from our friendly fire. Call up the reserves!"

"Oh, gee, they all went to the gambling casino in Loomisville this afternoon," said Sgt. Henrietta Hatterby.

"Then we need volunteers," said the general.

"Here comes Miss Matilda," noted Lou. "She's getting pretty good with that pistol she ... not in here, Miss Matilda!"

"Into the tunnels!" ordered the general as Miss Matilda Chuker sent a round into the bar.

"I'll get those little freeloaders," said Miss Matilda as she squeezed off another round. "Using up our tax money, clogging our hospitals ... why don't they stay on Mars where they belong?"

"Free drinks for everyone with a smoking pistol," announced Lou. "Put it away, general; post-facto doesn't count."

Miss Matilda holstered her revolver, downed her drink, and announced, "Call me if you need me. I was just passing on my way to the library, you know."

As Matilda left, Wilma Wetzbrimmer pointed to the back deck overlooking the sewage lagoon and said, "There they are! The aliens!"

"The Werner quints?" said Doc. "No, they're much taller ... hold on, looks like someone just threw a net over them."

"Duck before they unloose the death ray!" said the general.

"I don't think possums have developed a death ray," observed Lou.

"But they might have gas," said the general.

"We'll probably all have gas before this is over," said Lou. "That was chef Juan who threw the net."

"Lou," called chef Juan de Fuca from the kitchen. "Tomorrow's special ..."

"Please don't say it until tomorrow," said Lou. "I'm already due for a sleepless night."

"Aren't we all," said the general.

Stray Lake

The Stray Lake U Scum Beasts opened their football season last weekend with a 204 - 0 loss to the Alatoona Coal Mining School of Dance and Bongo Playing. SLU Head Coach Hector "Pigskin" Brannigan did manage to find some bright spots in the loss, noting that perennial center Bruised Watkins was able to remember his name following the game, and water girl Brenda Lake spilled less than she usually does. "I think we can build on this one," Pigs mused at a post-game session at the Tipple Time. "I mean, those girls from the school of dance were, what, second graders? They're so small they're awfully hard to tackle. And our boys confused the bongo players with the marching band, so they thought it was halftime and went to the locker room. That accounted for at least a hundred points of the score. Take that away, it doesn't look so bad. And remember, the bus driver got lost on the way to Alatoona so the team was up all night while we drove around looking for the place. Most of them didn't get to sleep until about three in the morning, when the beer ran out, and we had to be on the field at noon. All-in-all, I'm really looking forward to next week, when we're at home with the Joe Fluvium Pre-K League All-Stars."

The Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles is offering two-for-one immersions through the end of the month.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

Jules Bender Hand and Gerbil-powered Laundry and Illegal Gaming Room manager Abiline Tester has issued a final call for the person who left the 112 pound load of size 52 ladies undergarments in the quadruple oversize turbo washer to pick the things up. Abiline says she needs the machine Friday because Lonnie Truman and his 15 children will be in for their annual wash day, and nothing but the turbo will get a year's dirt out of the kids' clothing.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

Follow us on Facebook for daily news flashes about Stray Lake

From previous issues of the Signal-Gazette

Go to current issue (we won't tell anyone you went back)

Mutant firefly mating closes beach

Contact us at:

Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.