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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

SLU hoops coach will consult
Louisville about strippers on campus

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Stray Lake U head basketball coach Bouncer Barksdale plans to consult with officials at the University of Louisville in an effort to bring strippers into his basketball program.

"I can't believe I didn't think of this on my own," Bouncer admitted after a sparsely attended news conference at the Tipple Time. "I've tried almost every other underhanded recruiting tactic known to coaches."

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Lou the bartender told him. "I'm sure you'd have thought of it on your own someday."

"Probably," agreed Bouncer, "but I've got to talk to those Louisville people pretty quickly. My guys are getting awfully tired of doing nothing but practice."

"I have noticed a complete lack of games for the team this season," said Lou.

"Well ever since we joined that new conference, the League of Women Voters, no one wants to schedule us," said Bouncer. "I gotta think there's some politics involved in it. Maybe those women are telling the people at Louisville not to return my calls."

"Or maybe the Louisville people think it's a sensitive subject," said Lou. "They did ban themselves from any tournament play this year."

"Not a problem for us, we never go to postseason tournaments," said Bouncer. "Give me another, Lou. I guess I'm just going to have to figure out how to bring this thing together on my own. Maybe I could ask Marshall Carmella if she's arrested any strippers lately."

"Strippers?" said the Reverend Haskall of the Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles.

"Looks like you want to consult the wrong authority," said Dorothea Deluney as she passed with a tray of drinks.

"Strippers?" said Doc Pandemic as he walked in.

"You've found a regular think tank on the subject."

"I want to bring some strippers into the dorm to entertain the basketball team, since they're not actually playing games this year," explained Bouncer.

"Won't that reflect badly on SLU?" wondered Doc.

"I doubt it," said Bouncer, "and anyway, we don't have the money to pay top recruits to play for us, so I've got to be creative. Hey, maybe I could just have Chef Juan send over carryout buzzard wings a couple of nights a week instead of getting the strippers. Wait, maybe the strippers could bring the buzzard wings!"

"That's creative," said Dorothea.

"Then again, some of those boys might not be able to stand it."

"Those aren't the ones who hang out here," said Dorothea.

"Speaking of which," said Lou, "they've run up a rather extensive tab. When do you think the athletic department might be paying it?"

"Well, we'll have to get a few games scheduled first," allowed Bouncer. "Get some people into the gym to pay the freight. And, if I could recruit some boys with faster hands, they might actually win a game."

"Their hands are pretty fast as is," noted Dorothea.

"And it looks like that tab will stay unpaid," said Lou. "But I'll consider it my contribution to higher education. Maybe I can deduct it from my taxes. What do you think, Bumbles?"

Attorney Bumbles Hatrack looked up from his drink and said, "I don't practice tax law. Not since the last time I was indicted for doing it."

"Well," concluded Bouncer, "I'll just have to keep thinking until I come up with the right idea."

"I doubt your contract runs long enough for that," said Dorothea.

the tap daning pig

The tap dancing pig

"The tap dancing pig"

The Tap Dancing Pig
Yes, the pig dances in these laugh-out-loud stories, but he really wants to direct. There is also a cattle drive to make John Wayne cringe, a giant shrimp with an endless thirst, and a lighthouse keeper who has so many personalities he can't keep track of which one he's having a conversation with. Gleaned from over 20 years of humor columns, these 35 stories (and a couple of bonuses at the end) will keep you in good spirits. So settle back as the Lincolns and Grants play poker at the White House, Teddy Roosevelt hits himself with a big stick, and anarchists refuse to reset their clocks. Oh yes, there's a detective on the trail of the Fat Man, just so the suspense won't sneak up on you (the laughs will be out in the open). Read these tales one a day or gulp them in a sitting, it's your limit of laughter that sets the agenda. Available at the Amazon Kindle Store for $2.99, free download for

The tap dancing pig

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest

A steamy romance, with twists and turns of menace and intrigue, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2015, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
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