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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Blue the dead dog's name absent
from Super Tuesday primary ballots

Candidate's campaign manager alleges
discrimination on the basis of rigor mortis

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Still frothing with rage after finding her candidate had been left off ballots in all of Super Tuesday's primary states, Lucrecia Borgia threatened "lawsuits, verbal assaults, obscene gestures, temper tantrums, foot stomping, eye rolling, and outrageously bad manners generally" until election officials agree to hold elections all over again.

"Being brain dead has never been a reason to leave someone's name off of a ballot," noted Blue's campaign manager. "And you're telling me being dead all over should be? What's the difference? Discrimination, that's what it is. I'll dispute tooth and nail any claim that being dead and frozen is an impediment to being a successful candidate for public office. Blue's teeth and nails, that is. I just had several thousand dollars' worth of dental work done and had nail extensions put on while I was at the dentist's office. You like them? I was going to have a chin tuck, too, but they were already overbooked for the day."

"Too bad," consoled Lou the bartender. "But why wasn't Blue's name on those ballots, Lucrecia?"

"Search me." Lucrecia admitted. "I posted Blue's candidacy on Twitter."

"Perhaps they wanted something more, like hearing from voters who wanted his name on the ballot," Lou went on.

"Really?" said Lucrecia. "Okay, I'll send a New York City phone directory to those elections folks. There are millions of people listed in that book."

The Rev. Haskall looked up from his drink and noted, "The Naked City? I don't think naked people can vote, can they?"

Lou shook his head and said, "I was referring, Lucrecia, to people signing their names to a petition saying Blue should be included amongst the other candidates."

"That seems awfully old fashioned," Lucrecia said as she admired her nails. "Twitter ought to do it, I think."

"I hate to rain on your parade ..."

"No rain!" said chef Juan de Fuca. "Blue doesn't do well in the rain. He starts to smell like a thawing, wet, dead dog."

"Let me put it another way," said Lou. "You'd better forget redoing those primaries and come up with another strategy."

Okay," said Lucrecia, "how about if we start a grass cutting campaign."

"Or perhaps a grass roots campaign," said Lou.

"That, too," said Lucrecia. "Hey, maybe Blue could be a write home candidate!"

"Write-in?" suggested Lou.

"I think that should work," said Dorothea Deluney as she passed with a tray of drinks. "Who would not want to write the name of a frozen dead dog on a presidential ballot? Oh wait, have you got one of those phone books handy?"

"I will ignore that and start my grass raking campaign in Stray Lake," said Lucrecia. "We will have to schedule a primary election for third party presidential candidates more or less immediately, then all go to the polls with Blue in mind."

"I'm glad you didn't have him on the tips of our tongues," allowed Dorothea.

Lucrecia made a face at Dorothea and said, "Juan, it is scheduled to be cool and dry tomorrow. How long can Blue be turned out of the freezer to make a campaign appearance?"

"About two hours, if we keep him on dry ice," allowed Juan.

"I will notify the television people in Loomisville," said Lucrecia. "Blue will be at the offices of the election commission to demand a primary be scheduled for sometime next week. Lou, can we hold a Blue for President rally on the deck overlooking the sewage lagoon later that day, after Blue is refrozen?"

"Sure," said Lou. "Better check on the wind, though. If it's going to be coming off the lagoon..."

"What the hell," said Dorothea, "it couldn't be any worse than what's been going on in the race so far."

blue for president

the tap daning pig

The tap dancing pig

"The tap dancing pig"

The Tap Dancing Pig
Yes, the pig dances in these laugh-out-loud stories, but he really wants to direct. There is also a cattle drive to make John Wayne cringe, a giant shrimp with an endless thirst, and a lighthouse keeper who has so many personalities he can't keep track of which one he's having a conversation with. Gleaned from over 20 years of humor columns, these 35 stories (and a couple of bonuses at the end) will keep you in good spirits. So settle back as the Lincolns and Grants play poker at the White House, Teddy Roosevelt hits himself with a big stick, and anarchists refuse to reset their clocks. Oh yes, there's a detective on the trail of the Fat Man, just so the suspense won't sneak up on you (the laughs will be out in the open). Read these tales one a day or gulp them in a sitting, it's your limit of laughter that sets the agenda. Available at the Amazon Kindle Store for $2.99, free download for

The tap dancing pig

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest

A steamy romance, with twists and turns of menace and intrigue, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2016, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.