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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Rev. Haskall has mixed thoughts,
and drinks, about gay marriage

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
The Rev. Haskall of the Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles says he is of two minds concerning the Supreme Court decision about same sex marriage.

"Maybe even three," the Rev. opined at the Tipple Time last week. "Give me another, Lou, and we'll make it four."

"I believe two of your minds are about as many as we can accommodate," Lou observed. "But I suppose you'll have to share those with us, huh?"

The Rev. sipped his drink and mused, "On the one hand, I don't much care who marries whom, so long as they donate to my retirement fund."

"That seems reasonable," said Lou.

"Then again, I don't want to do something the Good Book says I shouldn't," noted the Rev. "Trouble is, I'm not up to speed on that part of the book. I concentrated my studies at the Mable Hinkle School of Divinity, Sewing Machine Repair, and Cattle Driving on what the Good Book had to say about brewing."

"Brewing?" said Lou.

"You know, turning water into wine," said the Rev.

"I see," said Lou. "And were you able to ..."

"Would I be sitting here buying drinks if I had?" asked the Rev.

"Actually, you've been running a tab for ..."

"I thought that was your donation to the retirement fund," said the Rev.

"Retiring?" asked waitress Dorothea Deluney as she passed with a tray of drinks for the after school class in the back booth. "Candle Creek just won't be the same without you, Rev. For one thing, it'll probably lose that ring you leave after your weekly bath."

"That reminds me," said the Rev., "we are having a mass immersion in the creek next Sunday afternoon. Lou, can you send out four or five kegs for the occasion?"

"Bill it to the retirement fund?" wondered Lou.

"No, no, we'll pay cash," said the Rev. "We're charging five dollars a head. It's normally ten, but we had a lot of hot dogs left over from last spring's immersion and they don't smell too bad, so we're re-using them."

"Guess I'd better not take my day off to go to the gambling casino in Loomisville," said Doc Pandemic as he strolled in on a break from his rounds at Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic. "Better send a couple of kegs over to me that afternoon, Lou. Those dippers are usually thirsty after we finish pumping their stomachs."

"Do you think there will be a riot like last spring?" asked Lt. Gen. (Ret.) Droling Mudbinder as he came in. "I'll have the militia on alert."

"Well for God's sake alert them not to bring live ammo," said Doc. "Most of them are still limping from the self-inflicted wounds they picked up on the Fourth of July."

"Maybe we'll put the ammunition dump farther away from the cannon next year," said the Gen.

"Or you could just march to the casino in Loomisville and lose all your money," suggested Doc.

"Gambling is sinful," said the Gen. "Isn't that so, Rev.?"

"He's probably not up to speed on that," said Lou. "But if you have any questions about brewing ..."

"Does your book say anything about cooking?" asked Chef Juan de Fuca. "I'm trying a new buzzard wing recipe and I need some advice on the spices."

"Oh, it says lots about cooking," said the Rev. "At least Mable thought it did. I didn't get that far. But if you want to know about brewing or have a couple of guys who want to get married ..."

"Guys?" said the Gen. "Married?"

"The Supreme Court ..." began Lou.

"Where?" said the Gen. "I'll assemble a firing squad and line them up against the side of a barn."

"Well, they ought to be safe there with your boys shooting at them," said Doc.

"A point well taken," said the Gen. "Maybe we ought to go right to the source. Rev., come to attention and march over here for a drumhead court martial."

"You can't court martial a man of the cloth," said Doc. "And you don't have a drum."

"Right," said the Gen. "I'll phone the CIA."

"I thought they weren't answering your calls," said Lou.

"Oh yeah," decided the Gen. "Well, what the hell, if you can't lick 'em ... Rev., do those guys need a flower girl? I'm not on guard duty until 1800 hours. That's ... uh ..."

"Six o'clock?" said Lou.

"Right," said the Gen. "So it will have to be an afternoon wedding. Can I sprinkle flower petals?"

"Lou," said the Rev., "make another donation to the retirement fund. No wait, make it a double, and keep 'em coming."

"Hell," said the Gen., "if you'll get my morning coat cleaned after it's over, you can even dunk me, Rev."

Lou glanced at the Rev. and said, "I see something in your eyes, and it's definitely not what the Good Book takes kindly to."

"Okay, okay, I'll tie an empty beer keg to him," said the Rev. "He can float down the creek."

"Rafting?" said the Gen. "It'll be just like my days as a ranger."

"Triples," said the Rev. "Lots of triples, Lou."

Stray Lake

  The Bruntwiller sisters will hold their annual bake sale next week in Brakethwait Corners, and the elder of the twins (by five minutes), Eloise, says they will be adding several new delicacies to their many offerings this year.
  "Sister and I will have discovered that cobwebs stiffen the batter of our blueberry muffins just enough so that we can make sculptures of them," she explained. "Well, sister took a course in sculpture when she attended the old finishing school in Loomisville, and she has turned out some very interesting works. For example, there is Donald Trump, right down to the bad hair and wide open mouth. Why, you can pick up that morsel - meaning the muffin, not the Donald himself - and imagine him laying bricks in his wall!"
  Eloise says other figures captured in dough and cobwebs will include George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, and Michael Jackson, "In full moon dance."
  At this point, readers might wonder how such sculptures, evidently made and ready to admire for some weeks, have managed not to mold.
  "Some of it is probably the cobwebs," Eloise surmised, "but mostly it's because we shellacked them. It preserves beautifully, and adds a real zing to the flavor when you are ready to consume sister's masterpiece."
  Other delicacies new this year, she went on, will include the sisters' perennial chocolate covered tofu, with a new ingredient.
  "We're loading it up with vodka," Eloise whispered. "After the first bite, you won't notice the tofu."
  Also new to the menu will be arugula-stuffed turnovers, chocolate lemon peel drops, and turnips dusted with confectionary sugar.
  "They look like little snowmen," Eloise giggled. "The turnips, I mean, not the lemon peel drops."
  She then returned to the cobweb muffins, noting proudly that, "Sister will be taking commissions at the sale to do original portraits in muffin. People can either sit for the work or she can sculpt from a photograph. Can you imagine what a Christmas present that would make?"
  The reporter could not.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest

A steamy romance, with twists and turns of menace and intrigue, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

  Stray Lake U's annual President's Keg Party will be held next Tuesday at the president's residence.
  "It's been a tradition here since I inaugurated it the year after I was installed," noted prexy Dufoise Trolleyhauler. "It's a nice ice breaker."
  "Do we still have to order the ice?" wondered Trixie Woozlebloom, the president's live in secretary.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2015, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.