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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

SLU hurler tosses perfect inning,
gets three with three pitches

Arthur T. Arthroscope
Sports Editor
SLU's fireballing moundsman, Mordecai "Four Eyes" Green, threw one perfect inning and hit 36 batters as the Scum Beasts nine lost last week to the Anarchist Society's vaunted all-star team.

"It was magic," SLU coach Scratcher Ellington noted as he recalled the perfect sixth inning. "Three up, three down, on three pitches. I've never seen even Mordecai load the bases that fast. Usually, he throws a couple of wild pitches before he makes a batter dive for cover, but not that inning."

"I couldn't have done it without my teammates," a modest Four Eyes said. "Especially Luke Tripper, who came in from shortstop to point me toward the plate when I started to throw that first pitch of the inning into center field. That made all the difference."

"Luke always has the team in mind," Scratcher seconded. "Probably because he owes us all money, but at least we're on his mind, or what there is of it after the 11 years he's spent matriculating at SLU."

Trixie Woozlebloom, head cheerleader and live-in secretary to SLU President Dufoise Trolleyhauler, knitted her brow in deep thought and asked, "Dufy, does that new health care law say that the university has to buy insurance for students who matriculate, or can we get a religious out on it?"

"Cheer, Trixie, Cheer," said the prexy.

As Trixie began to jump up and down, diverting the attention of most people within sight, Scratcher noted that the 52-6 final score also marked the Scum Beasts' highest run production in a decade.

"You have to go back to the time we played the Loomisville T-Ballers," the coach recalled. "That was a close one, twenty four to eight. I think we might have eked out ten if we'd had a couple of breaks from the umpires. And to this day, I still say our infielders didn't mean to trip all those little rugrats, but that's how the game goes."

SLU actually drew first blood in the recent contest, scoring all six of their runs in the opening inning after the Anarchists came up empty in the top half.

"If their batters had just kept running to third when Mordecai hit them, we might have made it closer," said Scratcher. "Especially if their pitcher hadn't stopped throwing balls everywhere but at the plate."

"We're anarchists, after all," all-stars coach Eli Kropotkin noted. "On the other hand, we're not crazy. We laid a lot of money on ourselves with the gambling casino in Loomisville when we scheduled this game, and we weren't about to blow it. Oops, didn't mean to put it quite that way, so don't misquote me."

SLU President Trolleyhauler said that while he was not satisfied with a loss, he was glad that the first game played in the U's new sporting home, the League of Women Voters, came off without a hitch.

"What about the grandstand that collapsed?" asked Trixie, who had taken a breather.

"It was empty, so no harm, no foul," the prexy explained.

"Aren't fouls a basketball thing?" asked Trixie. "Sports are so confusing. I know, cheer."

As Trixie resumed her performance, Scratcher noted he was also happy with the first outing in the new league, recalling, "Once the lady I called to schedule a game got control of herself and stopped laughing, she told me the women voters didn't play organized baseball. She recommended the anarchists. From what we saw today, they don't play organized baseball either, but then we're not always on that page ourselves."

At that point, several ballplayers dumped a cooler full of ice water over Scratcher's head. As the coach spluttered and wiped his eyes on the prexy's shirttail, he noted, "The team is fired up."

"I think they're just getting ready to mix a Hairy Buffalo for the post-game party," said Dufoise.

"Or that," said Scratcher. "I hope the anarchists can hold their own with our boys, because I'm going to try to schedule a double-header for tomorrow. Maybe they'll want to run to second or even the outfield when they get knocked down and we can spurt into double figures on the scoreboard."

"Gosh, I won't be able to cheer tomorrow," said Trixie. "Dufy and I have already scheduled a double ..."

"Cheer, Trixie, right now, just cheer."

Stray Lake

The Balkstadt twins, Jerome and Lucinda, have officially changed their names. Jerome is now Lucinda, and vice versa. When Judge Burfelt asked what was the point of such proceedings, Jerome explained that it would sow panic and confusion. Lucinda said she was trapped in the wrong body. The judge said he was confused and getting panicky because he was trapped in court until he heard four more cases, including Brian Nobbly's request to use a death ray to grill hot dogs in Frobisher Park. The name change was granted, but the judge told the twins that if they wanted to swap back they would just have to trade clothes. He also advised that they avoid Frobisher Park during the grilling season.

The spring bloom over the sewage lagoon was particularly beautiful last week, according to Assistant County Agricultural Agent Weed Combine.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

The Stray Lake Explorers and Orienteering clubs will hold their annual joint spring meeting next week at the library. Citizens are urged to be ready to offer directions to anyone who seems confused, Miss Matilda Chucker excepted (and armed). Disoriented gambling tourists on the way to the casino in Loomisville should not be directed to the library, and especially not to Miss Matilda. Send them to the Tipple Time.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.