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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Mayor Blue misses own funeral,
may pose for ice sculpture

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Alternating Mayor Blue the dog was almost interred in the Howard Rinaldo Small Animal Clinic and Home for Wayward Girls Memorial Pet Cemetery over the weekend, but a last minute lawsuit filed by Tipple Time Chef Juan de Fuca kept the late mayor on hold, or more specifically, on ice.

Readers may remember that Blue died in a tragic accident while giving himself a rectal exam in the middle of Main Street, unaware that a bus was about to occupy the same real estate. Blue's remains were pried off the street and sent to Howard after the State Police declined to do lab tests on road kill.

"And Howard promised Blue's remains to chef Juan," asserted attorney Bumbles Hatrack, who is representing both sides in the case. "On the other hand, my other client, Blue, had very little to say about this, being flat and dead. So I am hoping this makes its way to the Supreme Court, where I can meet Justice Sotomayor, who I think is very hot."

"I do not understand how Blue can be your client, what with him being dead and such," observed Lou the bartender as he poured Bumbles a libation at the Tipple Time. "And as an aside, I think Justice Kagan is the real babe of the bunch."

"Does Tony Scalia do anything for you, paisano?" wondered waitress Dorothea Deluney.

"Let's not confuse the issue," said Bumbles. "Even if it is too late. Anyhow, I am representing Blue Ex Post Mortem, which is a term I just invented and hope to make a bundle on. And I have also had negotiations with Miss Matilda Chucker who wants to use Blue's remains - such as they are - to cast a statue of our beloved leader to sit alongside Colonel Richardson's likeness at the fountain on the town square."

"I did not realize Miss Matilda felt that strongly about the project," said Lou.

"Neither did I, until she shoved her pistol up my right nostril," said Bumbles.

"So this one is pro bono?" said Lou.

"Well I'm anti bono on the subject," said Alternating Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer. "Why give a dead dog a bone, especially if it's only a statue of a dead dog? I think we ought to move on and elect me dictat - er, the only mayor Stray Lake has without any further ado."

"I suspect there will always be doo when you're involved," said Dorothea.

"Remember that you are a lady," advised Leroy.

"And remember that I can break many bonos in your body, in a very ladylike way," said Dorothea.

At this juncture, Judge Wilber Wimmer walked in and said, "Lou, I am recusing myself from the Blue carcass case."

"Why?" said Lou. "Do you think it will get too hard to pronounce as it works its way to Washington?"

"No, I think Blue relieved himself on my foot several times during his terms in office," said the judge. "I fear I might be prejudiced."

"Oh heck," said Leroy, "Blue relieved himself on everybody. He raised his leg over my shoe more times than I can count."

"Move two stools away from me," said Dorothea. "And by the way, I've never seen anybody more prejudiced against Blue than you."

"Yes, but not because he peed on my shoe," said Leroy. "Everybody does that."

A silence settled over the bar until Dorothea said, "Two more stools, please."

"So, does this mean you want to join the suit?" Bumbles asked Leroy. "We could make it a class action, what with everybody Blue peed on."

"Yeah, and we could all go to Washington and testify before the Supreme Court," said Dorothea. "I could wear my low-cut blouse and sit on Justice Scalia's lap while you were arguing with yourself, Bumbles."

Bumbles considered this for a moment, then said, "Even I think that is a bad idea. For one thing, the court doesn't hear testimony, they just listen to lawyers argue. And then ..."

"Hang on here," said Dorothea. "They don't listen to the people who claim to know what's going on with the cases they hear? They just listen to lawyers arguing?"

"It is called jurisprudence," said Bumbles.

"Heck, they might as well just arm wrestle," said Dorothea.

"I'd arm wrestle with ..." began Bumbles.

Just then Howard Rinaldo burst through the door and said, "Give me a triple, Lou. Miss Matilda just grabbed Blue out of my freezer, threw him into her car, and took off. Do you have any idea what it's like to have her stick the barrel of that pistol up your nose?"

"Ask Bumbles," said Lou. "But did she say where she was going?"

"She yelled something about a sculptor in Loomisville," said Howard. "Give me another, Lou, and a couple of cases for the wayward girls. Miss Matilda scared them so badly it'll take me all night to comfort them."

"Doesn't the gambling casino in Loomisville always have an ice sculpture in their lobby?" said Dorothea.

"That's right," said Lou. "You don't suppose ..."

"But I still get Blue after the artwork is finished," chef Juan called from the kitchen door. "I've worked out a whole menu. And hey, Lou, you can chip ice off the statue in the square to use in the drinks when we start offering our 'Blue Memorial Specials'."

"Specials?" said Doc Pandemic as he walked in on a break from his rounds at Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic.

"Don't ask," said Lou. "It would probably bring back your worst memories from medical school."

Stray Lake

Stray Lake U Head Football Coach Hector "Pigskin" Brannigan has announced that the team will henceforth play its home games at a secret location. "It will save the boys a lot of embarrassment," Pigs explained during a sparsely attended news conference at the Tipple Time. "We have to date lost five games out of the five we've played, haven't scored a point, and have given up on calculating how much the other teams pile up. If we play at a secret location, we won't have to say anything about stuff like that. We thought joining the League of Women Voters would give us the opportunity to play girls teams, but by golly some of those girls can whack the stuffing out of our guys. Only President Dufoise Trolleyhauler and myself will know the location of the games, all the players will be blindfolded on the way there, and the president's live-in secretary, Trixie Woozlebloom, will drive the bus." Trixie nodded and explained, "And I promised not to say the games will be in Jim Sherman's south cow pasture." Dufoise shook his head, ordered a round on SLU, and told Pigs, "Maybe they can play in camouflage."

Stray County Sheriff Legible Thomas has reminded motorists not to spend too long gawking at the beautiful fall foliage, saying such inattention to the roadways leads to auto accidents. "I've got better things to do with my time than investigate fender benders," Lej allowed. "If you want to look at leaves, go to the library and get a book or buy a giant television and flip on the National Geographic Channel. Better yet, go to the Tipple Time and have Lou the bartender turn it on for you. That way, I might at least collect a fine or two when you drive home."

Alternating Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer has announced that President Barack Obama will not be accepting an invitation to visit Stray Lake. "The White House sent back word that he doesn't need any more trouble," said Leroy. "I sent back word that he could dine on chef Juan's buzzard wings, but they replied he doesn't need stomach trouble right now, either."

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest

A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

Everything scheduled for next week was rescheduled for last week. Last week's activities have been pushed to the third week in November. The third week in November activities are still looking for a home on the calendar, so if yours is open please let someone know. As for what's up this week, you're on your own.
It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.