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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Stray Lake U teams change conference,
will join League of Women Voters

Arthur T. Arthroscope
Sports Editor
Stray Lake U's search for a new athletic conference home has led to the League of Women Voters, SLU Athletic Director Bucks Sepoy announced Tuesday during a sparsely-attended news conference at the Tipple Time.

"We didn't know there was a conference of schools where women vote, but it has everything we're looking for," Bucks enthused. "It has members all over the country, evidently all girls' schools, so our guys might have a chance to win a game of something every now and again. The league doesn't seem to ask a lot of questions about academics, thank God, and they don't want a piece of our television revenue. All they seem to want you to do is vote, and our students do that as often as someone is willing to pay them."

Stray Lake U President Dufoise Trolleyhauler took the podium, and after helping Bucks, who had been leaning on the podium, to his feet, offered to buy a round for anyone who would stay for more of the press conference. There being several takers, he continued.

"We have searched for a new home since the dissolution of the Unaccredited Schools Conference," said Dufoise. "Heck, most of the people involved in that have been paroled or pardoned, just to let you know how long it's been. But finding a good fit for Stray Lake U hasn't been easy."

The prexy offered to stand another round, then continued, "We thought about the Big Ten, but when we counted, they had twelve members. Then we looked into the Big 12, but they had ten members. Our math department is confused enough without asking them to live with that sort of thing."

"Can your math department keep track of the tab you are running up?" asked Lou the Bartender.

Ignoring him, Dufoise went on. "With math off the table, we looked at geographic conferences, but here again you've got problems. The Big East and the Atlantic Coast seem to have spread pretty much west and off the coast, for example. The West Coast and the Sun Belt have also overflowed their boundaries, and you can see what that sort of confusion that would rain down on the geography department. Even worse, you've got things like the Atlantic 10 and the Pacific 12, which could foul up two departments at the same time and might lead to internecine academic fighting and bloodshed."

"Did I hear someone was standing rounds?" asked Phil Twombly as he staggered into the press conference.

"Only if you're an athletic supporter," Bucks said.

"Does it count if I'm wearing ..."

"Shut up and have a drink," said Dufoise.

"Well what about a conference without geography or numbers?" asked Lou. "Like the Big Sky Conference."

"Doofy, that's a conference we've never been to," said Trixie Woozlebloom, the president's live-in secretary, as she filed her nails onto the notepad she wasn't using to take dictation. "You could sure pad your expense account with the sky as the limit. Oh, I made a joke!"

"File," Dufoise told her. "And we considered the Big Sky, but only for about ten seconds because our astronomy department profs can barely find their way to the observatory and are usually too collectively hung over to focus the telescope. Can you imagine what their tab here would be if they kept hearing 'Big Sky' everywhere on campus? They seem to know right now that the sky is up there somewhere, and we're not going to complicate it for them."

Phil said, "Can I get another drink if I show you my ..."

"Lou, leave the bottle for him," said Dufoise. "Now, are there any questions?"

"Yeah, who do you think our girls' teams are going to beat if the boys' teams play the girls?" asked Dribbles Fenster, the SLU womens' basketball coach.

"You're not allowed to ask questions," said Dufoise. "And Lou, bring her a straw. She keeps living up to her name every time I see her in here. Now if there aren't any more ..."

This reporter spoke up to ask about the AD's mention of television revenue, saying he was unaware that Stray Lake athletics had ever been broadcast over anything but the 50 watt communications department's campus radio.

"I can handle that one," said Bucks. "We tack fifty dollars onto the student fees for cable TV in the dorms."

"Really," said Bruised Watkins, Stray Lake Scum Beasts football's perennial starting center. "I've never had cable TV in my dorm room."

"First, you don't live in a dorm room. You've lived with your mother all twelve years you've played varsity football," said Bucks. "And second, nobody has dorm room TV, just the fees."

"Thanks for clearing that up," said Bruised. "Hey Phil, wanna compare athletic ..."

"I think this news conference can come to an end," said Dufoise. "Let's all go out onto the deck overlooking the sewage lagoon and have a few on me, then Bucks and I can call the League of Women Voters and began building next year's schedule."

"Ooh, is that anything like building our sultan's harem out of pillows, Doofy?" asked Trixie.

"Lou, let's also have a round of Chef Juan de Fuca's signature buzzard wings," said the prexy. "And just file, Trixie, file."

Stray Lake

Tom Dornby's dog Fido has gone to court seeking to change his name to Alberta. Tom says he likes being Tom but in the interests of family harmony will go as far as Babs. Fido's lawyer, attorney Bumbles Hatrack, says Tom is evidently confused. Tom agrees and says he will counter-petition to have his name changed to either Bitsy or Bruno if Bumbles will handle the case. Bumbles says he is searching his law books for a loophole that allows him to represent two confused clients at the same time.

Elkus's Hardware will hold a snow blower sale this week, offering half-price on the defective recall model 729 Woopsyupyourpants walk-behind machine that has turned and devoured several of its owners. "It's maybe a twenty, thirty-to-twelve-or-fifteen shot you'll get set upon," said Howard Elkus. "For the price, I think that's reasonable. And we're throwing in free burial insurance covering all the parts of you they can find if the blower does turn and chew you up and spit you out into the street in front of the snow plows. Embalming is extra, of course, since you'd already have been salted down in the street."

LOST : Aunt Marjorie Filkin's ear trumpet, somewhere in the parking lot of the Bide-a-Wee Taverne, Motel, and Adult Playthings Store in Loomisville. Don't call Aunt Marjorie if you find it, just show up at her back door and look for a good time.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

The Viola Skinner School of Dance and Toaster Repair will present its original interpretation of Sherman's March to the Sea next Thursday in the parking lot of the Tipple Time. Following the performance, dancers who are in a reasonable state of sobriety will attempt free toaster repair.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.