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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Sewage lagoon beach will close
for mutant firefly mating season

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
With the safety of the public in mind, Stray Lake will close the sewage lagoon beach for 30 days when the official mutant firefly mating season opens next week with the traditional Blessing of the Noxious Fumes and Chef Juan de Fuca's barbecue buzzard bake.

"The fireflies have just gotten too randy," explained alternating mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer. "Last year, we had complaints about them molesting small dogs and insurance salesmen, and who knows but what they might move on to politicians this year."

"I think it's a communist plot," Seldom Manchester observed from her drink at the Tipple Time. "First it's the beach, then the voting booth, and pretty soon even this place will be under government control. Besides, the tan you get at the sewage lagoon is like no other."

"You're right there," agreed Doc Pandemic. "We detoxify three or four tanners a week at Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic during the lagoon's tanning season."

"Several more drop in here," noted Lou the bartender.

"Well so far as we're concerned, it's an issue of public morality," said Leroy.

"You'd do better not to bring that issue up while you're still in office," said Seldom.

"But you can't have all those fireflies doing ... firefly mating stuff right there in public," said Leroy.

"As I recall, the haze over the lagoon makes it near impossible to see any kind of mating stuff, let alone insects," said Doc.

"I'm surprised at your attitude," said Seldom. "As a member of the medical community, you should be discouraging mating, even mating that is hazy."

"On the one hand, most of it is probably hazy, which may not be a bad thing," said Doc. "In the second place, delivering babies puts food on my table."

"You probably went to a medical school where they encouraged free love," said Seldom. "But as a doctor, you ought to at least encourage safe you-know-what."

"I know what, because I deliver the finished product, remember?" said Doc. "And what should we do, pass out condoms to the fireflies? I'm not sure I could tell the boys from the girls."

"It doesn't matter, they all have all of the equipment," said Stray Lake U Professor Darnell N. Amphib, who first identified the mutant strain.

"That's nothing short of lascivious," said Leroy.

"Yeah, but at least everyone has a date," noted Darnell.

"Not I," lamented Seldom. "Because I will have lost that tanned glow that comes only from the lagoon."

"Maybe, as a side effect, you'll have shed the odor that comes only from the lagoon," said Doc.

"I wear extra deodorant while I am trolling," noted Seldom. "Which is why you can still note the eau de lagoon."

"I'm not sure whether I should or should not be insulted," opined Doc, "but I know I want another drink at this point."

"Who wants to be the first to sample my new sauce for the buzzard bake at the lagoon?" asked chef Juan as he strolled from the kitchen with a bubbling pot surrounded by assorted avian parts.

"I believe I have to get on line to find a source for firefly condoms," said Doc. "Otherwise, I'd invent another reason to opt out."

"I've downed enough to give it a whirl," said Darnell.

"Here you go, Prof," said Juan. "And by the way, how is the patent application for gene-manipulated chicken lips faring? My supply of buzzard lips is at an all-time low after the revival at the Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles. I think they used them in the communion."

"Now hold on there," said the Reverend Haskall. "Just because I was nibbling on some lips while I was pouring the wine ..."

Leroy moaned and said, "I got enough trouble with public sex. Let's not pile religion on top of it."

"Are you trying to make a joke?" said Doc.

"No, he is a ..." began Seldom.

"Let's have a round on me," said Lou. "Darnell, how's the sauce? Darnell?"

"He took out the door and headed for the lagoon to get a drink," said Juan. "Another culinary masterpiece."

"Good bug repellent, too," said Doc. "When he hit the beach the mutant fireflies all migrated to the other side of the lagoon."

"There is hope for the beach!" said Seldom.
"Right," said Doc. "We spray the fireflies with Juan's sauce and neither part of them will be interested in the other part of themselves."

"I'm getting a headache," said Leroy

"Drink up," said Lou. "Your head will feel better tonight, and maybe the new sauce will cure your hangover tomorrow."

Stray Lake

The Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles added 35 new members during last week's revival services. "That just about evened out to the members who ran off with the Heavenly Body Gospel Singers when the revival left for Chicago," said the Reverend Haskall. "Or was it Omaha? The Reverend Widemouth was mumbling when he told me. Kind of busy counting his take ... er, the split in the offering ... uh, the division of blessings, how does that sound?"

Betsey Giverfinch says she is leaving Hermann because he is obsessed with the moles in their yard. "You'd think the first sinkhole that opened after he poured several thousand gallons of water from the hose into those tunnels would have cured him," she fumed. "But we're two sinkholes later, one of which took the van, and it's starting to spread. I haven't seen our next door neighbor Ed in a week, and he's usually always out to ogle me over the fence while I hang the laundry. I suspect he is sleeping with the van, and I suspect I will no longer be sleeping with Hermann. I just hope I get the washing machine and dryer out of the house before that goes under.

Culver and Marion Hermitage celebrated their first week of marital bliss last week, according to Doc Pandemic, who has been treating them with mind altering drugs ever since they were married 15 years ago. "I guess I hit on the right combo," said Doc. "Now if I can just tweak it to where they remember their names but not those first 15 years I might be on to something."

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

The Howard Rinaldo Small Animal Clinic and Home for Wayward Girls will hold an open house next week. Pets and their owners are welcome to come have a look at Howard's fine facilities, as are wayward girls. There will be a reception for the wayward girls in the Howard Rinaldo Lounge just behind the clinic and home. Free drinks, Twinkies, and various pet treats will be served.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.