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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Peeps reenact Battle of Waterloo,
children and adults traumatized

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
"My puppeteers were barnstorming ideas when one of them mentioned something about 'armies' of those candy chickens people bought but didn't eat for Easter," Pete Farber of the Farber Puppet Theater and School of Animal Carcass Dismembering recalled in a post-mortem at the Tipple Time. "That blossomed into what seemed like a good idea, and the opening performance last night was going well until the first cavalry charge. That's when the adults started to scream and the children began to cling to their mommies ..."

"It was terrible," confided Louise Estes as she calmed her nerves at the bar. "My little granddaughter, Horrifica, saw those Peeps being chopped to pieces and just fell apart ... oops, I guess that wasn't the best choice of words."

"I didn't mind the chopped up Peeps so much," said Delmer Vernon, who attended the event with his third fiance, Gloria Mundy. "After all, I spent fifteen years as a congressional staffer in Washington. It was when the Peeps charged into the audience that I began to fret a little."

"We're not really sure how that happened," confided Pete. "It was not in the script, and our puppeteers swear they didn't do it, so the only thing I can imagine is that the Peeps took it on themselves to foray into the crowd."

"That's when I stepped in and issued a citation for foraying," noted town Marshall Carmella Casey.

"If you drop your threat of a lawsuit for being run over by Peeps, I'll buy you drinks for the rest of the night," offered Pete.

"Is your wife in the building?" counter-offered Carmella.

"You two negotiate, I want to know how the Peeps could run out into the audience," said Lou the bartender.

"I've turned that over in my mind for several drinks," said Pete, "and the only conclusion I can reach is that they were on a sugar high. That's pretty much what they're made of, isn't it?"

"Or maybe your puppeteers were eating the Peeps who were in the reserve battalions and got a little sugary high themselves," conjectured Doc Pandemic as he strolled in from Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic, where he had set up emergency care and counseling for the tragedy.

"I hope not," said Pete. "Those Peeps in the reserves were being groomed as the cast for the road show."

"I think I can find a counseling spot for you," said Doc.

"How is little Horrifica?" asked Louise.

"She's bitten two nurses, thrown a bedpan at an orderly, made rude noises with her hands under her armpits, and threatened to hire a hit on me," said Doc.

"Thank God she's all right," said Louise. "Give me a double, Lou. No, make it a triple. I should be able to drop in on her after that."

"I'll have the same," Doc told Lou, "but set me up with two of them and I should be able to go back and finish examining her."

Lou shook his head and said, "Does anyone know for a fact what happened to the Peeps?"

"Some of them made it to the sewage lagoon," said sewer plant chief engineer Gilhooley Grammartripe. "The eau de lagoon is even more distinctive than usual."

From the kitchen, chef Juan de Fuca called, "Lou, I haven't been able to get my hands on a buzzard since the lagoon started smelling funny, but I got the week's special covered: spongy little chickens, deep fried."

"I had to ask," said Lou as he poured himself a soother.

Stray Lake

The Rev. Haskall asks that worshippers at the Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles refrain from taking selfies and/or belching during his sermons.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

Joe "One-Thumb" Herschel will present a demonstration on using power tools safely at the Hammer Slammers Handyman Club meeting next week in the parking lot of Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic. Members are urged to bring their own tools so they can practice Joe's safety tips for themselves. Members are further urged to bring their insurance cards and arrange rides home should they need general anesthesia.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.