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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Pope skips Stray Lake,
attorney plans to sue

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Pope Francis has not visited Stray Lake during his tour of the United States, and attorney Bumbles Hatrack says he plans to sue the Vatican, if he can find it.

"He hasn't even mentioned us," noted Bumbles. "That's just heaping one insult on top of another."

"He's got a pretty full agenda," said Lou the Bartender as he put a drink in front of Bumbles. "And now that I think of it, I don't remember the town sending him an official invite."

"I emailed him an invitation," replied Bumbles. "I said I'd meet him here at the Tipple Time for a drink, so long as he didn't get sloshed."

"Now, do you really think the Pope might get sloshed?" asked Lou.

"The Pope got sloshed?" said Stray Lake U President Dufoise Trolleyhauler as he walked in. "Well, it happens to the best of us. Give me a double, Lou, and call me a cab if I do a Pope."

"Who's the Pope?" wondered Trixie Woozlebloom, the prexy's live in secretary.

"Guy who wears a dress," explained Dufoise.

"Which one?" said Trixie.

"He's got several," explained Dufoise. "Depends on the occasion."

"I like a man with a sense of fashion," Trixie observed. "Is he a designer?"

"He's a cleric," explained Lou. "Like the Rev. Haskall."

"Oh, no wonder he gets sloshed," said Trixie.

"I resent that," said the Rev. Haskall of the Candle Creek Church of the Freewheeling Apostles, as he pulled himself up from the floor to his bar stool.

"Sorry, I didn't see you," said Trixie. "How did that dunking thing in Candle Creek a couple of weeks ago turn out? Sorry I couldn't be there, but Dufy and I were ...."

"Ixnay," said the prexy. "That was a top secret university trip, remember?"

"Sure," said Trixie. "I remember the vibrating ..."

"Yes, those airplanes sometimes vibrate a lot," said Dufoise. "Now Rev., about the dunking thing?"

"I don't remember losing anybody," admitted the Rev., "but I wasn't counting and Deacon Marbury lost tabs when he had to tap a new keg. Oh yes, Gen. Mudbinder did float off down the creek after it was over, but he was wearing water wings made of empty kegs, so he should show up in a few days. Maybe longer, because I suspect one of those kegs wasn't completely empty."

"Can we get back to my suit?" suggested Bumbles.

"Goodwill?" asked Trixie.

"My lawsuit," explained Bumbles.

"Well I'm glad to hear you have another one," said Trixie.

"It's a suit against the Pope," explained Bumbles.

"You said he wore dresses," Trixie told Dufoise.

"He lives in the Vatican," said Dufoise. "They all wear dresses."

"You wouldn't happen to have an address for that location?" wondered Bumbles.

"I can ask our geography department at Stray Lake U," said Dufoise.

"I'm working under a statute of limitations here," said Bumbles. "Do you suppose they'd be able to locate a consulate in this country?"

"Probably not," agreed Dufoise.

"Okay, I'll just sue the Rev. Haskall," decided Bumbles.

"What for?" asked the Rev.

"How does half a mil strike you?" wondered Bumbles.

"If you'll settle for two dollars and a couple of beer can tabs I can probably raise it next Sunday," the Rev. offered.

"I think I can get more from the Pope," said Bumbles.

"Okay, two dollars and a couple of corks from the sacramental wine," offered the Rev.

"I didn't know you served wine," said Bumbles.

"We don't," admitted the Rev. "But I can always scare up a couple of corks after the ladies missionary society meeting."

"Dufy and I went to a secret missionary society meeting in Las Vegas last ..."

"Ixnay, Trixie, ixnay."

Stray Lake

  The Hammer Slammers Handyman Club plans to erect a scaffold around something next month and is looking for someone who wants to volunteer a structure, vehicle, person, or just some landscape for the project. Club projects director Lefty Hodiak says just about anything will do, so long as it doesn't plan to move for the next few weeks.
  "We want this to be a demonstration project for prospective club members," said Lefty. "Sort of show them what we do and how we do it. And we want prospects to know that visitors will be fully covered by our medical and liability insurance."
  Lefty noted that he had volunteered his daughter Julia, but the girl insisted on being enscaffolded with her current boyfriend, Clutches Henderson.
  "Maybe an old car, or a shed, or your grandmother who sits a lot," mused Lefty. "Now your grandmother, for instance, there'd be plenty of places in the scaffold you could say hello, toss her a sandwich, have the baby wave at her. Probably even room for a TV. Of course, it'd be an open sort of affair, so the TV would have to come out if it rained. But hey, there'd be room for an umbrella for granny."

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest

A steamy romance, with twists and turns of menace and intrigue, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

  Doc Pandemic is offering a two-for-one gallbladder special next week at Maid of Mercy Recuperation Clinic.
  "Our two-for-one wart removal last spring was so successful we thought we'd try another one," said Doc. "And what the heck, it doesn't take long to yank out a gallbladder. I took my own out while I was still in medical school. I was home on spring break, having a drink at the Tipple Time, when I felt an attack coming on and I said to Paul the bartender - that's Lou's father you know ... but that's a story for another time."
  Doc said people need not be related to take part in the special, but insisted that they both be humans.
  "That's on account of Henry Griggles brought his dog in with him last spring," explained Doc. "The dog bit me. I should've bitten Henry but you know how long he goes between baths."

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2015, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.