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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Blue wants more civility in campaigning,
calls for butt sniffing before debates

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Blue the dead dog has challenged other presidential candidates to raise their levels of decorum, beginning with greeting each other as dogs do.

"My candidate would never think of saying some of the things that have been voiced by humans in this Presidential campaign without first taking at least a token sniff of his target's butt," Blue's campaign manager, Lucrecia Borgia, explained. "Why even back-alley strays sniff each other before fighting it out over the garbage cans."

"Are you suggesting that the candidates should snarl and growl at each other, lunge for one another's throats and so forth?" Lou the bartender wondered.

"I think they've got that part down pat," said Lucrecia. "I'm just suggesting they take a good sniff or two before getting started. Getting to know someone in such a manner might take the edge off some of the anger and rage I'm hearing."

"Or not," noted the Rev. Haskall as he raised his glass for a refill. "The good book says ... well, I guess it doesn't say anything about that. Corp, would you like to help me do a little editing so the book will be up to speed about ..."

"First," said Signal-Gazette Publisher Emeritus Corp Rampmeter, "I am retired. Second, I am not insane, at least not insane enough to incense ..."

"Hey, it does have some things to say about incense," said the Rev. "Maybe the candidates should burn incense before they debate."

"Some people would say they're burning something stronger than that before they start flapping their jaws," said Dorothea Deluney as she passed with a tray of drinks.

"There's an idea," said Lucrecia. "They all toke before the debate begins, get busted by the DEA, and Blue has the field all to himself. I have to admit, he doesn't seem to be gaining much traction."

"Try salt," offered Lou.

"No salt," said chef Juan de Fuca. "Then he'd be a salty ..."

"Dead and frozen dog?" said Dorothea as she repassed.

"Make it two," said the Rev. as he held up his glass.

Doc Pandemic walked in and said, "Three. What are we drinking, by the way?"

"Salty dogs," reported Dorothea. "With Blue as the ice."

"Bet that will kill his campaign," mused Doc.

"It is a long shot," conceded Lucrecia. "It's just hard for him to do live events, being dead and frozen and such."

"Remember Silent Cal Coolidge," said Lou.

"Was he dead and frozen?" said Lucrecia.

"I thought that was Ted Williams," said the Rev. "Are we gonna sniff butts now?"

Lou sighed and said, "Let's just have a drink on the house and consider another campaign strategy."

"Maybe a no-kill pet shelter could revive him," suggested Lucrecia.

"I'd wonder who you were talking about, but that would probably incense a lot of baseball fans," said Lou.

"And people who have grown used to seeing frozen dead dogs in their freezers," mentioned Juan.

"And I'll have a couple more drinks as you fill me in on how it all got this far," Doc told Lou.

blue for president

the tap daning pig

The tap dancing pig

"The tap dancing pig"

The Tap Dancing Pig
Yes, the pig dances in these laugh-out-loud stories, but he really wants to direct. There is also a cattle drive to make John Wayne cringe, a giant shrimp with an endless thirst, and a lighthouse keeper who has so many personalities he can't keep track of which one he's having a conversation with. Gleaned from over 20 years of humor columns, these 35 stories (and a couple of bonuses at the end) will keep you in good spirits. So settle back as the Lincolns and Grants play poker at the White House, Teddy Roosevelt hits himself with a big stick, and anarchists refuse to reset their clocks. Oh yes, there's a detective on the trail of the Fat Man, just so the suspense won't sneak up on you (the laughs will be out in the open). Read these tales one a day or gulp them in a sitting, it's your limit of laughter that sets the agenda. Available at the Amazon Kindle Store for $2.99, free download for

The tap dancing pig

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest

A steamy romance, with twists and turns of menace and intrigue, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2016, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.