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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Giant tiddlywinks panic
mega-screen TV viewers

Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Panic erupted last week at the Tipple Time when the new giant screen TV was fired up and a tiddlywinks tournament flashed into view.

"I thought that enormous wink was going to come right on out of the wall and crush me flat before I had time to finish my first drink," said a still-edgy Flo Gasket as she downed her fifth or sixth nerve-calmer. "How big is that thing, Lou?"

Lou the bartender, who was busy pouring a set of calmers for Doc Pandemic, admitted, "I can't really say because I bought it on the Internet and the measurements were in metrics. Doc, can you translate meters and centimeters and such?"

"I do liters when I'm here and nothing bigger than what'll fit into a syringe when I'm at work," explained Doc.

"Let's not talk about centimeters," said Flo. "That tiddlywink was enough, let alone a giant creepy bug with a zillion legs."

Lou downed one of Doc's drinks, shook his head, and said, "I suppose we're not going to be watching a lot of National Geographic programs on that screen."

"And it wasn't just the size of the wink," said Flo. "It was the detail of it you could see - the little cracks that looked as big as canyons, the tiny pimply things that were as big as hills, and all the hair that made me feel like I was in a jungle."

Lou said, "I believe you must have turned your head away from the wink and looked up Gilhooley's nose."

"The Grammartripes have always been known for their nose hair," confirmed Doc. "And living in the back room of his office at the sewage lagoon has probably only increased Gilhooley's crop of it."

"Well what got to me," said Dorothea Deluney as she deposited a tray of empty glasses behind the bar, "was the closeup of the fingernail of that one winker, or whatever they call the players. It reminded me of my first husband's hands. He raised worms, you know."

"Really?" said chef Juan de Fuca from the kitchen. "Maybe you could get us a deal on some. They make a great garnish for the buzzard wings."

"I thought those were Chinese fried noodles," said Doc.

"Well, I can't always find enough worms in the compost," said Juan.

"I need a few more, Lou," said Flo. "I'm having a vision of a compost pile on the new TV screen. Worms are playing tiddlywinks."

"I'll have some of what she's having," said Doc. "Call it a medical experiment. Which reminds me, there is a new channel that shows doctors in action in the operating room. Maybe we could watch an appendectomy or a few gallbladder removals some night."

"Or maybe find the colonoscopy channel," said Dorothea.

"It couldn't be worse than Gilhooley's nose," said Flo.

"Or maybe I could do a cooking show," chimed in Juan. "We'll call it 'From the Buzzard to the Table,' and I'll demonstrate how I dismember ..."

"But that could be worse," said Flo.

Lou shook his head and said, "Maybe I'll just keep it permanently tuned to the channels that show our Congress in action."

"Congress?" said Doc. "Action?"

"Oh yeah," said Lou. "How about the Cartoon Channel?"

Gilhooley said, "The things that crawl out of the sewage lagoon at night like to sit outside my bedroom window and watch the Road Runner."

"That ought to cinch it," said Dorothea. "Does this new toy come with 3-D?"

Gilhooley said, "It should. After about six drinks, even the old one seemed to take on extra dimensions."

Flo said, "Set me up a few more, Lou. I'm beginning to get a vision of Wile E. Coyote trying to zap the Road Runner with a giant ACME tiddlywink that looks like Gilhooley's nose."

"With that on the table, I'd better set everybody up with a few more," said Lou.

Stray Lake

Weather officials have determined that the damage done last week to homes in the Foulodor Creek neighborhood was not caused by a tornado but by Mildred and Tom Savage's three-year-old son. (Editor's note: The Signal-Gazette is not printing young Tom, Jr.'s full name because his parents have enrolled him in the FBI's Destructive Toddler Protection Program and he has been sent to live with his grandmother in Boise, Idaho.)

The Tacky Cheapstuff Emporium has received a shipment of the latest in toilet bowl-shaped coffee mugs and electrified boxer briefs. Emporium owner Duval Hennesbucket advises shoppers not to delay their purchases, because these items will certainly be gone by Father's Day.

Please note that the Signal-Gazette will not print unsigned notes on rocks which have been thrown through our front window.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

Monopoly Bank and Trust of Stray Lake will offer depositors a chance to view their money this Sunday between two and four p.m. The outer door of the bank's top-security vault will be open so people can peer through the series of iron gates that stand between them and their loot. The bank will charge an entry fee of $3 at the front door, a viewing fee of $3 at the vault door, and an exit fee of $2.50 at the back door.

It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.