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The Stray Lake Signal-Gazette
"We print all the news that's fit for Stray Lake to know."
Horace Gumblat, editor emeritus
Beautiful Stray Lake

Town council mulls approval
for nude zombie colony rezoning

by
Wilma Whipstittle
Staff Writer/Photographer
Stray Lake Town Council considered a request to rezone 50 acres of farmland for a nude zombie colony, but finally tabled the matter after much discussion, several fistfights, and a bite to the kneecap of Alternating Mayor Leroy Wertzbrimmer.

"I thought it was vampires who bit you," Leroy observed as waitress Dorothea Deluney bandaged his wound during a post-mortem at the Tipple Time.

"I think that was the other mayor, Blue the Dog, who bit you," said Second District Councilperson Louise Taylor-Gumblatt. "After you stepped on his tail while you were trying to punch the nude zombie."

"I was just making a point," said Elmer Leonard, who made the rezoning request.

"Well you could have done it with your clothes on," observed Louise. "And without those fake teeth dripping ketchup all over the town hall."

"Say, could you lose those teeth?" said Lou. "Chef Juan retreated to the pantry and pulled the door closed behind him when he saw you."

"He'd probably be in Loomisville by now if you hadn't made Elmer wrap that tablecloth around himself before he came in," said Louise.

"Looks kind of like a Roman zombie, doesn't he?" said Lou. "Uh, Elmer, the teeth?"

Elmer dropped the fake teeth onto the bar and Blue the Dog looked up from his bowl of beer and growled.

"Steady," said Louise. "Leroy can only limp on one knee at a time."

"I can limp on ..."

"Hey, I think I see a compromise," said Third District Councilperson Paul Boxtuttler. "Why not a toga zombie colony? That's partially nude, isn't it?"

"Nude is nude, no partiality to it," said Elmer.

"Definitely not in your case," said Louise.

"I dunno, I think even zombies with sheets would offend the moral values of Stray Lake," said Fourth District Councilperson Jay Fliptrickle, Jr. "Our fine citizens have a history of wearing clothes."

"To say nothing of not being the living dead," observed Dorothea as she put the finishing touches on Leroy's knee.

"She's right," said Leroy. "I've never seen any zombies in Stray Lake."

"There's a mirror in the men's room," said Louise.

"This is not a laughing matter," said Elmer. "Zombies have rights and I think one of them should be going without clothing. After all, we've just observed the Fourth of July, recalling our founding fathers who ..."

"If you tell me that painting of the signers of the declaration should have had them in their altogether I'll slap one of these bandages over your mouth," said Dorothea.

"John Adams liked to throw off all his clothes and swim in the Potomac while he was president," said Elmer.

"And I suppose he was also a zombie?" said Dorothea. "On the other hand, he was a politician."

"To say nothing of Ben Franklin," observed Lou.

"Ben Franklin the nude zombie standing in the Potomac flying a kite in a thunderstorm," mused Louise.

"Can we get back to my zoning change?" said Elmer.

"I'm really not sure rezoning land for horror-film creatures is a good idea," said Leroy.

"Elmer, why not make it a nudist colony for politicians?" said Dorothea.

"Good Lord, do you think I'm demented?" said Elmer.

The false teeth on the bar began to chatter as Elmer's tablecloth slipped off.

"Jeez, we'll never get Juan back into the kitchen," said Lou. "Why don't I put three or four kegs in the parking lot and let you take this outside?"

"Elmer will have to put that tablecloth back on," said Town Marshall Carmella Casey. "I had six complaints about him as he walked over here from the town hall, and I filed one of them."

Blue looked up and howled.

"Seven."

Around
Stray Lake


The Fourth of July Fireworks Committee disclaims all responsibility for the aerial flag display that climaxed the celebration in the town square. "It was supposed to be the Stars and Stripes," committee person Lidia Branch confided. "We were as surprised as anyone when it turned out to be the Jolly Roger. And even more surprised when the musical accompaniment by the high school band was 'Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest.' We suspect shenanigans took place, or perhaps a Hollywood film crew took advantage of the state's new tax break for making movies here to film a pirate epic. And I have to apologize to the people my grandson, Biffle, held up at sword point. But wasn't the little fellow cute with his eye patch?"

The Stray County Art Guild has awarded a gold medal to itself.

The Stray County Fight Club is now accepting enrollment for its five and under division. Participants will be taught to fight. Don't enroll if you don't expect your kid to try to beat you up when he or she graduates. No refunds.

"It's okay, the reindeer are driving"

It's okay, the reindeer are driving
Holiday humor and more: Santa is stuck in the chimney, hitting the rum cookies, or jumping from an airplane. Bobby Lee parties, claim jumpers can't shoot straight, and two rats own a cheese factory. These short reads are guaranteed to give you a belly laugh, for $0.99 (that's ninety-nine cents for the numerically challenged).

It's okay, the reindeer are driving

"At Love's Crest"

At Love's Crest
A romance of intrigue and spice, set against the backdrop of a threatening flood. Can Allyson trust the man she has fallen in love with so suddenly? Is he part of the danger that threatens her, or the one who can save her from it? The waters rise and Allyson must decide, as her wild desires beat against the walls she has built around her once-shattered heart. This sort of thing will run you a little more, $2.99 to be factual about it; but then it's a lot longer.

At Love's Crest

Coming Events

Stray County Sheriff Legible Thomas reminds everyone to stay clear of Possum Ridge next weekend, when the Konklin family reunion is scheduled. "Those Konklins get a little raucous," Lej allowed, "and it would be best for foreigners to keep away. Especially if they wear watches or rings or anything else of value. I'd bust them, you know, but they all vote for me several times in every election."


It's always time at the Tipple Time

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Copyright 1996 - 2014, Robert A. Markwalter

Any resemblance to any person or persons in this material should give same strong impetus to seek medical help and, coincidentally,
is coincidental, unintended, accidental, and all those other disclaimers people make when they shove knives into your back.